Sunday, December 30, 2007
8:42pm
omg.
im gonna suffer from insomnia.
i am very very tired but i jus cant get myself to slp.
die la.
and my sch is starting on thurs not monday.
wth.
mayb my brain jus couldnt stop thinkin thats y i jus cant slp.
GOD.
and...
the whole curtain pole drppped on my head la.
v freaking pain can.
directly on my head while im surfing online bcos im sitting on my bed.
best thing is...
i went into my grandma's room to ask my maid to help w fix bck, the bed my grandma used to lie on is EMPTY.
EMPTY !
not even mattress.
then i told lynn, wah suddenly v empty, popo no more.
lynn said everytime she lie on her own bed, she would take to popo but nw so quiet.
die la.
now i understand the feeling of losing ur dearest.
grandpa passed away but i didnt feel anything bcos i wasnt close to him, i didnt stay w him.
but now i know.
die !
7:05pm
i forgot.
today is the first day i saw dad crying during service.
when al were singing, i saw him cried awhile.
i feel so sad.
at least i get to cry when im in my room.
but dad ?
he cant...
i know he's like me, don like anyone to see us cry.
he jus got to bottle everything up.
sigh.
5:54pm
finally, everything is over.
and im really so tired.
and tml is the first day of school.
sigh...
jus now was scorching hot , aft burial , it started to rain.
done.
grandma is gone forever.
no more grandma.
only left w memories.
the last service jus now.
when pastor was reading the bible, i wanted to cry to badly.
i controlled until my heart starts beating v fast.
i know im gonna cry real soon but was controlling as long as possible and i tot i can control until i reach home.
but no.
i feel so afraid to cry, dono why.
kept swallowing my saliva, kept swallowing n swallowing until they close the coffin, i was stil controlling.
only when they carry the coffin n put it into the van, i started burst out crying.
kept crying n crying n crying n jus crying.
even youngest bro also let me hook his arm which he normally wont allow.
my niece stood quietly beside me.
my aunt were crying in front.
i felt real damn sad.
afterall, im stil kinda weak in controlling my tears.
but jus really sad.
but anws, when i stopped crying, bro threw my arms away.
-_-
i knew he wasnt tht nice.
asshole.
i guess today is the most emo day for me.
was emo-ing the whole bus ride, thinkin of her.
like wth, SHE IS GONE FOREVER !
like FOREVER !
stil cant really accept the fact yet.
but im glad tht the whole funeral is in christian way.
i bet it made everyone felt slightly better.
if it was to be some buddist style, i bet the cryings is gonna be bad.
bcos ppl cry bcos they dono anything abt death.
but christian dont bcos they know its a reunion for grandma w God.
a happy reunion whr thr is no sadness, pain and sufferings for grandma.
whrelse for buddist, ppl wil cry n say, "DON GO DON GO, COME BACK, DON LEAVE US" this kinda thing which we SHOULDNT.
why stay in a place full of pain, illness and sufferings ?
i cried bcos i miss her real bad.
im starting to know more abt christianity.
mayb this could be the turning point for me, i hope.
goodbye grandma, i miss u fuckin bad.
i don wish u to come bck but..... let me dream of u.
(:
m e s m e r i s e d 5:54 PM
